


Pulling a Tampa

by ChokolatteJedi



Category: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Explicit Language, Gen, Magical Realism, Yuletide, Yuletide 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 11:02:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2848559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChokolatteJedi/pseuds/ChokolatteJedi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hansel and Gretel get word of a coven in Nebraska. You know, covens cost extra.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pulling a Tampa

**Author's Note:**

  * For [celaenos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/celaenos/gifts).



> I couldn't quite get this done in time for the deadline, but I hope you like it! :)

"Get in the jeep," Gretel instructed as soon as Hansel emerged from the convenience store.

"What? Why?" They hadn't been in a hurry five minutes earlier when he had gone in to get some Mountain Dew and mini donuts.

"We just got a text from the Mayor up in Oslo, Nebraska," Gretel said, jamming the key in the ignition. "They just had their second kid taken in two days."

Hansel jumped into the jeep and threw his bag of goodies into the back. Gretel quickly gunned it out of the parking lot. "Which one is Oslo, again?" He asked as she changed three lanes in order to make it onto the freeway on-ramp.

"Nowhere, Nebraska," she said. "Had the witch with the green, amoeba-y hair a few years ago."

Hansel thought for a few minutes. "The one with the beehive?" he asked, finally placing her.

"Yup."

"Damn." He shuddered. "This one better not have any bees is all I'm saying."

Gretel laughed. "I'll be sure to include that on our next Craigslist posting. 'We'll kill any witch, anywhere, unless they're also a beekeeper, in which case you're on your fucking own.'"

Hansel pouted and reached for one of his mini donuts. "You do that."

oOo

As Gretel talked to the motel's manager, Hansel pulled their duffel bags out of the back of the jeep and then buttoned down the cover. Clouds had started rolling in around dusk and he didn't want to sit on a wet seat tomorrow.

Just as he finished Gretel came out with a pair of keycards. "107. Around the corner," she said, flicking one at him. "Be sure to cast the wards properly this time."

"Ha ha." Hansel caught the card and then hefted the bags. "You getting dinner?" he asked.

She nodded at the Denny's across the street. "Yup."

"Get me extra syrup this time."

Gretel snorted. "I always get you extra syrup."

"Well it wasn't enough last time," he replied.

Gretel shook her head. "You and your sweet tooth. Just get the bags inside before it rains."

"Yes Ma'am," he teased.

oOo

Hansel looked around the Mayor's office. He had redecorated a little in the last few years, unless Hansel was misremembering the space entirely. They all had the same small town mayor feel, and it wasn't really his fault that the same boring off-white walls and stupid fern in the corner all blended together in his mind.

"Mayor," Gretel greeted him. "I see you've made some changes here."

Hansel resisted the urge to snort. Gretel couldn't tell the difference any more than she could. She was just more savvy about not showing it. "How many kids?" he asked, getting to the point.

"Five now," the Mayor replied worriedly. "She took two more last night."

"Five in four days?" Hansel raised his eyebrows. "Either someone's got a major appetite..."

"Or you're dealing with a coven," Gretel finished the thought. "Most witches take one, two kids a month. This is excessive."

"Covens cost extra," Hansel pointed out.

"Yes, I have your bank account routing number," the Mayor waved their business card from last time.

"Great, then let's do this."

oOo

Once in their motel room, it didn't take Gretel long to track down the information they needed on her laptop while Hansel ate some circus animal cookies and commented over her shoulder.

Honestly, she could do the computer stuff without him, and she usually did, but he still liked to 'help.' Once again, though, he was reminded of how thankful he was for the internet.

"What did witch hunters do before Google satellite view?" he wondered, flopping down onto the hard motel bed. He accidentally flopped onto Gretel's wand, and with a disgruntled noise he wiggled it out from underneath his shoulder.

"Legwork," Gretel replied, reclaiming her wand and putting it safely on the table.

"You mean wandering around the woods just looking for abandoned cabins and holes in the ground?" Hansel asked. "That sounds like so much effort."

"They probably used local guides," Gretel pointed out. "But yes, I'm sure there was a lot of tramping through the woods.

"Thank god we live in the twenty-first century, is all I can say," Hansel replied.

Gretel snorted. The computer dinged. "Ooh, I think I've got them."

Hansel shifted a bit so that he could look upside down at the computer screen. "Where"

Gretel tapped the location on the map. "I'm fairly certain they're based out of this warehouse. It is on a fairly busy thoroughfare, so I'm hoping that they're hiding out in the basement. If so, that's a lucky break for us. The space should be fairly easy to contain, and we can box them in."

"Great. Let's do it."

oOo

_I see two_ Hansel hand signaled.

Gretel, across the alley by the other exit, quickly peeked inside a window. _One more_ , she signaled back.

Hansel frowned. Only three witches? That seemed unlikely, given the number of children captured. _Any children?_ he signed.

Gretel shook her head.

That wasn't good. That meant that the children were probably elsewhere in the warehouse, likely being guarded by other witches. If he and Gretel went in now, without a solid plan, the whole thing would just be a clusterfuck. He gave her the retreat signal, and she nodded.

A few blocks away, they met back at the Jeep. As Gretel drove back to the motel, Hansel pulled a bag of MnM's out of the glovebox. Tossing a handful into his mouth, he finally voiced his thoughts from the stakeout. "I saw one coming down from upstairs; they aren't only in the basement."

"I know." Gretel slapped the wheel in frustration. "These witches are fucking bold! Using the whole building, taking two kids at a time!"

"No way those three are the only ones." Hansel pointed out.

"No doubt." Gretel agreed. "We either need extreme stealth or overwhelming firepower."

"Well, you know my vote."

"No military base nearby," Gretel pointed out.

"We could call SWAT..." he suggested.

"They'd arrest you for that thing in North-"

"Yes, yes, no need to keep bringing it up." Hansel waved his hands in a 'nothing to see here' way. "No cops."

Gretel just smirked and kept driving.

"On the other hand, we could always pull a Tampa," Hansel suggested.

Gretel's grin widened. "We certainly could."

oOo

"You blew up the building!" The Mayor appeared to be torn between shock, anger, and awe.

"Fucking covens, man." Hansel replied.

"We did nothing," Gretel said pointedly. "The explosion was clearly caused by the gang who kidnapped those children. The police have already discovered that there was a gas leak in the building. Obviously someone in the gang lit a cigarette or something."

"The police are already saying that?" the Mayor asked cautiously.

"Yep," Hansel said cheerfully. "Got an expert from the gas company and everything."

"Luckily those kids had just escaped, right before the explosion," Gretel added. "I'm sure their parents will be thrilled to get them back from the _gang_."

The mayor was still staring at them, so Hansel decided it was time to be more explicit. "So, about our fee..."

"You blew up the building!" he repeated.

Gretel slowly pulled her wand out of her back pocket. "So, about our fee..." she repeated levelly.

The Mayor paled. "What? Oh, er, yes." He leaned over his desk and quickly typed something on his computer.

A few awkward minutes passed, during which Hansel decided it was an excellent time to clean some soot off his gun. Just in case Gretel's wand wasn't threatening enough. Finally, Gretel's cell phone buzzed. She checked it, then nodded. "Pleasure doing business with you, Sir." she said.

"Er, yes. You too," he replied hesitantly.

As one, the siblings turned to leave the room. Hansel reached the door first, so he held it open for Gretel. "We should see if there's a CoCo's around here before we leave," he said. "I could really go for some pie right now."

"When do you not want pie?" she teased as the door swung shut behind them.


End file.
